Blog 10

These two chapters in the Hughes book move away from all of our recent readings about drugs and into altered states hidden within ourselves--disease, sex, pain, etc. To be honest, I find these topics much more interesting, and much more downplayed in society (as far as inducing altered states, that is).

"Sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in the human situation."--Graham Greene

Chapter 9 talks about depression being a result of repressed agression. Depression causes a feeling of emptyness inside you. You feel as though there is nothing in this world and the only thing inside you is your frozen heart. You lay in bed all day, trying to force yourself to get out and live your life--but too often, you are only going through the motions. Unless you are skilled at hiding it, people will perceive you as feeling sad or down, but you yourself cannot feel these emotions.

Have you ever been so depressed that you feel nothing? Have you ever been so out of your normal self that you begin to see things differently without any sort of chemicals in your body? Perhaps you see things in slow motion. Or maybe you see spots. Or maybe your mind is aware of your body, but your body has lost connection with your brain. Have you ever stopped thinking, just for a moment, and done something terrible? Maybe you were sitting on a sofa and your brain shut down for a few seconds. You remember everything afterwards, but in slow motion. Your brain turns back on, a few seconds later, to your body standing up, and a now empty glass of red wine on the floor. And not your glass of red wine, either.

A painter needs to paint, a writer needs to write, etc. This creative expression is almost an escape from the real world, and is an altered state itself. Not one that is induced by any sort of chemical, but one that is induced by a disease itself. I have often read about, or seen in people, a mental illness being stuck inside them. But, even if it is temporary, the touch of a paintbrush to a canvas, or a pen to a sheet of paper, seems to transfer that suffering out of their body. And you know what, there is nothing else like it. No chemical induced, hynosis induced, anything induced creativity can compare to that of a depression (or other such disease) induced creativity. I suppose altered states, at least those portrayed in these chapters, have a sort of domino affect amongst themselves. There are many things that cause the altered states like depression, schizophrenia, etc. And these diseases, in turn, are just a few of the things that induce the altered state called creativity.

I sit alone in the bathroom, crying softly
tears streaming down my face,
a phone held loosely in my hand.
It's a bright, Sunday morning,
only 10am.

Did I violate trust?
A trust that, so far, has meant the world to me.

I think back over the past week:
a week of projects and papers;
a week of arguements and neglect;
but also a week of love,
unknown to me.

But now its a bright Sunday morning
and I'm trapped in my bathroom
reading the words of kindness, passion
and love
on the phone of a stranger
I thought I knew.